Bundle of Joy…I think not !!

•Monday May 7, 2007 • 10 Comments

giving-birth.jpg

So for those who’ve read my posts from day one …well maybe not day one….you might recall I had blogged https://deviousone.wordpress.com/2006/04/11/and/about my pal Truphena, who was devastated when she found porn sites on the boyfies pc and I literally had to give an adult version of the birds, bees and porn ( in this case )

Well, looks likeTruphena heeded my advice and even went a mile further coz now she’s the proud mother of a healthy 2 months baby boy. The child is cute as a button, cries a lot !! and even more so when Truphena answers her cellphone when she’s holding him !! I thought she was joking when she mentioned her observations but I saw it for myself !! looks like she’s raising a self centered brat …..hahaha ok I did’nt mean the last part. Truphenas offspring is a bundle of yada yada crying Joy !

My maternal instincts are on African time seriously ! the need to have a kid is not in me, kids don’t really move me as such, they’re cute to look at, hold for an X amount of time then hand them over to Mommy dearest. Now don’t get me wrong, its not like I hate kids, I’m just not really the goo goo gaa gaa kinda person.

But when Truphenas day to bring the baby into the world via near death experience kind of pain, yours truly was there, donning scrubs and all, screaming “you can do it” and thinking to myself, ” and no way in hell can I”. This experience was more like watching a train wreck – you kinda wanna look but at the same time you know you shouldn’t but morbid curiosity overwrites all logic and you end up absorbing every little detail, amidst blood curdling screams – which explains why the maternity ward is far, beyond and possibly sound proofed from all other wards – I can see patient morale being low from such screams, not to mention them going MIA, drips still dangling from their veins and all .

All I can say is seeing the birthing of Truphenas baby was the best natural damn control dosage I’ve had, esp when the doc was stitching her like her *ahem* was a home science skirt project !! – I could literally feel my fallopian tubes tie themselves into little cute bow tie sperm proof knots ! the second episode of self reinforced happened two weeks ago when she spent the night at my place after having domez with bwana and her so called bundle of joy wouldn’t stop crying the whole night and that morning I literally had (designer ) bags under my eyes !!

So I narrated the story to my mother who told me that child bearing pain is one of a kind and cannot be described….she then proceeds to narrate how when she was preggers with me – I was two weeks late as it is and the doc told her to walk more so that the bay stars teremkain ( who knew the uterus had stairs ) so she was with my old man at some house party and she was dancing to some Fadhili Williams ( she even told me the song ) when her waters broke !! talk about me being the life of the party – literally !

It went from zikis to panics..mathe being wekwad in a Citroen (hydraulics and all ) and being rushed to Matermesiricodia (sp ) then 15 and counting of harrowing pain hours later, yours truly came into the world- my mum tells me at one point she ambiad the doc to give her the knife and do the damn thing herself ( and I quote her, on the last statement ) so when Mother dearest was leaving the hospital, the doc told her congrats and he will see her again next time she comes to zaa…to which my mom quickly retorted ” hapa hautaniona tena” and the woman kept her word to this date !

So after narrating the saga to mathe and having listened to hers as well, she then brought up the topic of it being the time for me to bless her with a grand child – haiya woman ! were not listening ?? my freakin fallopian tubes rendered themselves useless !!

This is a topic my mom and I have been through time and time again to the point where I thinks she lost all hope with me and dropped the ball ( pun not intended ) that is until I mentioned Truphenas birthing storo.

And this is how I killed the doze after she asked me when I plan on blessing her with a brat – “Mum, you have to remember ( pause for effect ) practice makes perfect”

Lets just say the conversation quickly ended when mathe all over sudden heard the proverbial door knock !!! heheheh Im scott free for now !

AOB

this is truly the second coming for real – see Ive even moved house from blogspot to wordpress !!

Advertisements

Vyombo Vya Mdinyo Part 1

•Saturday February 17, 2007 • 26 Comments

Save as Draft
I was chatting to a pal of mine the other day and he sent me a link to this website that sells “sensuous” stuff.

http://tetezzo.net/link.php?LinkID=afb6473bddbac1b04e4815c6b49c1df8 

While that being a commendable move, the description of the products is what caught my attention, more than the products . The descriptives are on a level of their own, not to mention typos here and there ( whatever happened to spell check ? )

So let me and my crazy guest blogger do a breakdown on the items shall we ?

Electric Burner & Incense
Now how are you supposed to stand astride this ka-mini nyungu so that your entertainment center can smell like morning “due” ( look at the typo ) what if simba kojoad at that very spot a few minutes before, where the morning dew is ? ebu explain to your mzee why theres a scent of mkojo na humo chini – is there money back guarantee on this ?
And what about the clueless kubaff of a man walks in on you and finds you astride in a semi squattin position as the fumes of the incense are being rising towards the ninio ? instant fujo right there !

Scent of a woman
Now we all know in raiaville, if mzee ingias the hao and bibi is in the kitchen, the first thought that will prolly come to his mind is “wee..mama nani, chakula tayari ?”
Apparently this magical “portion”(again typo from none other ) is to be pakwad on hair and thighs….now about the hair part…wont there be some sort of conflict of interest if the nywele smells like hair glo , only to tuangilia juu yake that magical “portion”. Talk about throwing the horny bloodhound of a man off scent!
And supposedly the animal in him will kick in and the fireworks will begin ( note, fireworks apply only to chuti couples and work best during Diwali season )

Libido boosting Dietary supplements
Product speaks for itself, they figured fuck it ! ( pun intended to the max ) this is the Viagra for both men and women…let them deal with the symptoms! which I hear range from serious constipation with sporadic bouts of chronic diarrhoea – but hey look at the bright side, your libido will be in check !!

Bedroom shoes
I’m no fashion expert but when I see those shoes….its hard to picture the woman wearing them would be donning a lesso…if she went to great lengths to buy those shoes…don’t you think something like lingerie would come to mind ? not a bright blue lesso that has a methali saying : Jogoo la shamba haliwiki mjini”
And women…we all know, theres no way we’re going to be on the bed with shoes on…esp not if you’re the one who does laundry….I can see the scenario taking a sour turn when Peninah tells Gideon…”weee wacha nitoe viatu, hakuna vile naosha hii bedcover tena” moment ruined, blue balls for Gideon, hasiras for Peninah !!!!
Perhaps the shoes should come with a coupon for drycleaning the shoe stained bedcovers ? do I smell a merger between White Rose Vip & Tetezzo ??

Vanilla scented candles
Vanila and nyeges ? hard to have those two being synonymous to one another…makes me look at my vanilla scented lotion from a whole new perspective.
Kesho as I paka myself Vanilla lotion I wonder if I will have the same thoughts the tetezzo peeps said would happen – utamtia nyege! doubt it but worth a try anyway !!

Room Spray
Vanilla is a natural aphrodisiac ?? wacha I shut up on this one.

Vanilla scented oil
How do you perfume a bedroom ? and how do you burn the oil…isn’t that like a fire hazard in itself ? no instructions on how to burn it….nothing…thats upon you and whatever devices …or maybe U can soak the mosquito coil in it and then burn the mosquito coil….not only will it “perfume” your bedroom, but it will be a quick merciless death for the annoying blood sucking buggers !

Aloe First spray
After making love you’re constantly bruised and cut ? are U having sex with a hybrid of Mike Tyson and Wembe Wa Nacet ? it seals cuts immediately and hastens recovery for round two ?? does the spray also have a numbing effect too ? is that what the ‘selected herbs’ do ? if I or any other woman would have bruises, cuts and abrasions ‘down under’……trust you me fellas, round two is totally out of the picture…and possibly even future round ones for that matter.
Itchiness down there ? shouldn’t that be something a doctor should be looking into and not Aloe First ??

Aloe liquid soap
A breakthrough in soap science ( thank EGM for this ) the soap does not butcher the good bacteria – this is a soap with a conscience.
The million dollar question, is it for “down under” after being cut and bruised or ……

Artificial rose petals
Is it me or do I see a mboch being fired coz after a night of bruised lovemaking….maid ingiad the bedroom to clean up the morning after and she fagiad the 400 bob artificial rose petals that were strewn on the linoleum floor ?

Aloe Vera Deodorant Stick
The solution for Aco’s roomie who had some serious BO issues !

Herbal Tooth Gel
First of all, is theres foul breath, definitely no kissing going down ! Miraculously, this freshening gum also sooths and heals cuts and abrasions from a night of mapenzi moto moto – kwani what went down ? someone gave head to a roll of barbed wire ? is that a new fad now ? maybe I’m in the dark, some one please enlighten me.

Much as I have butchered the woman’s ideas, I do commend her admirably for taking such a bold step into doing this, the only thing I can say is that they need to re-strategize the wording on their descriptions… but other than that, A BIG KUDOS TO GERTRUDE MUNGAI !

1-800-BILA CLUE

•Tuesday January 30, 2007 • 15 Comments


And a belated Happy new Year people !
You would think with a new year,I would turn over a new leaf and improve on certain aspects of my life, such as blogging…this is yet to happen…coz the aforementioend leaf cannot be found…so until then, I come to ye bloggers and ask that u thrown in suggestions on what I should blog about ( keep the suggestions within reason )…its all about baby steps with me re-entering blogsphere.

We shall call it the second coming !

So with that in mind….im all ears, and jus for added effect there might be a guest blogger…apparently we have one in our midst who uses his ‘webbing’ power to teletranspot his self from one post to the other !! tsk tsk you know who U are !

Happy Holidays

•Friday December 22, 2006 • 12 Comments

Tis the season for me to take my well earned vacation…and out of town Im heading and with that in mind, y’all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

I posed to take a pic with Santa but no sooner had I sat on his lap he turned me around and told me Ive been a bad gal…and before I could say anything..Thiongo the photographer clicked away and behold… I guess no gifts for me ..sniff sniff

Enjoy yourselves and be safe people !

Life’s Lesson No. 1…

•Tuesday December 5, 2006 • 23 Comments

I resurface…ask no questions as to where I was…

Per our past conversation people, I brought it to your attention that I had been somewhat cornered by the relentless German car driving man who hails from the land where the great Omweri was last spotted…MOVING ON

Oduori decided to make sure that I kept my end of the bargain and he had to take his “lady friend”, namely me to an eatery of my choice (sigh)… Dude decided to use his PDA to its maximum capability…I first got a text from him on a Friday night. I replied. Then he calls me the next morning, which happened to be a weekend – at freaking 9:00 AM ( was a memo not passed to you Mr O..?? hmmmm…because Queen Bee does not rise at such ungodly hours on the weekend !! ). I ignored his call, last time I checked in my scales of freakin priorities on the weekend…sleep comes before convo with Oduori. My subject will have to wait until I wake up from my slumber.

Two hours later I’m awake, have had breakfast and am somewhat ready to face the day..when the phone rings. It’s usually on vibrate but at times I will change it to alert mode, where it actually tells me who’s callin and since the simu was programmed to pronounce only jungu names…it dices Mr O’s name saying “call from Odarai..call from Odarai“. It was amusing, other than the fact that I had to face the man phone to phone so to speak… So I answer and dude sounds like he’s on his tenth cup of kahawa chungu ( the kind those long distance derevas from back home drink to keep themselves awake). We agree on a time and venue and I get him off the phone hurriedly with some flimsy excuse of me having to water my plants ( wtf devious? do you even have plants in the house ? ). He offers to come pick me up ..heheheheh Oduori, I’m ten steps ahead of you…no way you’re comin to my castle. Besides, I already just told him an effed up lie about havin to water plants so if he comes over he will wonder where the plants are ( yeah he’s observant like that ).

So we meet at the venue and he’s already there and OMG …why is dude donning them killa shoes again?!? And when I say killa, I mean killa for real coz them shoes slay my soul everytime I see them on his feet. And I happen to be near him. I could care less if he wore the shoes while trekkin some Bolivian jungle, but next to me ?? That’s another story ! For those who need a refresher on how they look…they resembled something like this. I really didnt make eye contact with them shoes lest I turned into a pillar of salt or something along those lines ( I would later learn my lesson of the consequencies of using a Biblical reference to diss Mr O ).

We ingia the restarurant and proceed to order food…jus like the first time me and Oduori went to eat, he plays a staring game at the menu and Kumesh is not too amused by his indecisiveness but finally he orders something… Hoorraayyy!! It’s about damn time ! Shortly after, the food is brought, which I kula, enjoying every morsel. All the while, my counterpart nitpicks on his food. Oh well to each his own. I came, I ate, I conquered ! We hang out for a while and I find out I can only take small doses of Oduori at at time, coz he then started getting waaay to comfy and it was time to put a stop to the tasselled shoe wearing man madness.

Now dont get me wrong, I did appreciate the meal Oduori bought for his lady friend… and thank him I did. Suprisingly I do have manners tihihihihih. We both parted ways and I fika home and even before my tanyes gets to meet the couch, my phone screams “call from Odarai”…Yes Odu…I mean hey whassup…yeah thx for dinner again…tomorrow ? Can I get back to you on that ? I’m uummmm teachin some Guatemalan kids english ( devious ??? What is wrong with you ? ) I know I’m going to hell. I’ve already started practicing how eternal fire and brimstone feel like by takin hot scalding showers !

I stayed awake for a long time watching movies and then my tumbo started feeling funny ( see Indian food ) , I took some tumbo medicine but I just ignored it and continued watching flicks until around 4 am and I was still chonjo like a wachie…So I take half a sleeping pill coz I was sooo alert it wasnt even funny ( maybe at that point I shoulda applied for a watchie job ). So I go to bed and soon the dawa starts kicking in….and off to sleep I go…

IT DOESNT END THERE….

And this is where the karma part kicks in for me laughin at Oduori about his shoes and making a biblical reference as to avoiding direct eye contact with his shoes..

Devious Life’s Lesson number One….

Do not take laxatives and sleeping pills………………..at the same time

And we’re back to normal programming !

•Monday October 9, 2006 • 37 Comments


Bloggers blogger bloggers ( insert thinking man pose ) greetings to you all !!
I think at this point my guise of having bloggers block is quite evident that I suffer from no such condition …but rather sheer laziness ( and I hang not my head in shame ) them gay people quip “they’re out and proud” and I quip along with them… rainbow colours..freaking unicorn and all… I am a lazy blogger and damn proud of it !

Well people..today is my birthday ! so if anyone has a drink in hand at this weird hour ( looks at Udi… ) please do make a toast and EGM, you can raise your test tube as well, just dont down the pottasium sulphate – the results are deadly !! and we all know that reception in underground labs is virtually non existent that even the Verizon dude wont say “can you hear me now” coz he just knows there will be no one on the other end to tell him “dio ninakuskia!” so theres no chance of your 911 call going through.

I’ve gotten to the point where my birthday is just another day as opposed to my younger years when I’ start reminding Mother Dearest a month prior, that her only daughters birthday was coming up ( like the poor woman had a battalion of kids not to remember ) and I would tell her what I wanted ( bila shame by the way ) and even tell her what kind of cake I wanted ( again…shamelessly ) I dont know how the woman didnt turn around and just stuff one of my school socks in my mouth and then proceed to beat the shyt out of me for wearing her patience thin ( why the sock in my mouth you ask ? to stifle the blood curdling screams ofcourse )
Well, anyway, point is I no longer celebrate my birthdays, but I do thank Sir God for granting me another year. So the celebrations have now been replaced with acts of self indulgence which almost borderline hedonism ( you only live once people !!! )

So on Friday evenign I went to get my hair done and I go to the salon, this time I decided not to go to Jonet my Nigerian sisto but some other Senegalese mama my friend recommended. I call the mama a couple of days before to set up an appointment and she tells me the price and then she asks( insert semi naija accent ) ” where are you from ?” I told her Kenya..and she said ” ok, I give you ten dollars off” . I thank her and hang up the phone.

Fast forward to D-Day and I go to the mamas salon and Im soon greeted by some funkious odor that started from the stairway andall the way to her salon…only Sir God knows what the exact funk was…even Glade or Yolanda couldnt have taken care of the smell but I braced myself and walked in ( flag numero uno).I had called the mama whom we shall call Aminata, who told me to go to her shop at 4 pm. I fika there, why is she still working on Shakwandas hair ?? (flag numero deux ) my mvaite blood starts to simmer lakini I breathe in deeply and say wusaaa on the inside. She then tells me not to worry shes almost done and gives me magazines to kill time, time that I coulda been doing something else somewhere but now Im stuck in these hot salon that is full of putrid fumes and if borderline hypochondriac me had known this is what lay in store for me I would have brought my charcoal filtered gas mask ( a present from EGM ).

Its like I knew what lay ahead of me for I had carried some lemonade in my water bottle, but this was not just any other ordinary lemonade…It was spiked with some good ole Russian Vodka and when I say some, it may sound like it was a shot or two but it was more than that. Theconcotion was for calming my nerves as I get my hair yanked in all sorts of directions that a compass wouldnt even decipher – thats my story and Im sticking to it – I swear, this has nothing to do with the fact that my hands shake if I lapse several hours before taking a swig of my “lemonade” hehehehehehehe.

So now its my turn to get my hair done.Amanita grabs a comb and you know my eyes dart to the comb faster than the speed of light to make sure its not a wooden comb like the tortourous one my friend Jonet likes using. No wooden comb in sight..all is well, for now….
All was well too soon because the woman opened up her makwapas – lo and behold ! Officer Johnson this is an open shut case ! this must be the source of the putrid fumes !! Auuuuuuuu mpaka I started thinkin that Amanita must have been in the same summit as Bush & Hugo Chavez, and she must have marked her scent before Chavez fikad podium and Chavez not knowing this, spewed the following diatribe : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoCmmm2UG0&mode=related&search=

Yani is there a pact that was passed early in the years of OAU that West Africans should not use deodorant ? coz even Jonet is pretty much like our recent de-KBW’ed member Aco’s roomate !! WTF ?? there needs to be a major campaign for those peeps to indulge in some deo..esp once they panda SabenaAirways heading to Dubyaville ! news flash Amanita and the rest, deo is not expensive !!! for crying out loud you charge me $120 for doing my hair but you will not dish out $ 3.99 for deo ?? I fail to understand…I really do.

Then to make matters worse, I look at the source of the funk, her makwapas and not only is deo foreign to the woman, so is shaving ….her masharubus, yes people, masharubus, coz them hairs stopped being armpit hair like a decade ago and now resemble a backfired curly kit thats been smothered with enough hair sheen – the sheen ofcourse being beads or should we say marbles of sweat which look like they just might defy gravity, landing suqare on my jeans. I hastily gulp my beverage greedily so as to numb myself from what Im seeing and stop focussing on her armpits.

So an hour or so passes and I can start feeling the effects of my lemonade, when I decide to look ( why why why ? ) at her armpits again and factors like the heat, pits fumes, mixed in with hints of couscous and smoked fish make me semi hallucinate and all over sudden I see a bark clothed Ituri forest pygmy staring at me dead in the eye ! WTF ?? I look away to refocus my eyes then look again..and the pygmy is still staring at me !! what the…so I i try to concentrate on the movie Amanita had put on . Then I hear ppsssssssst…..( I ignore ) more pssssssst comes from her pits…zii theres no way Im looking – but I do anyway and now the pygmy is talkin to me in some language I cant understand ! and to make matters worse..Im trying to decipher what its telling me !!

What the heck is going on ? I look around to see if anyone else is seeing and hearing the pygmy but everyone in the room seems oblivious to the situation. What to do devious ? what to do ? so I close my eyes and forcefully take a nap while my hair is being yanked all over the place and I say the Lords prayer lakini I dont get to finish it coz I soon fall asleep ( shetani ashindwe!! ) . The nap was nice except for the times when Amanita decided my head needed to be facing Northwest at a 47 degrees( no typo here….I know I said 47 and EGM please put your protactor down before you start tryin to see if such an angle exists ).

So after a while I wake up and for reasons I dont know, I look at her makwapas again and this time I dont see the pygmy…Glory be to heaven I say ! so Im trying to figure out what in the world came over me to have thought that I saw a bark clothed pygmy in someone elses armpits, and then I remembered that about an hour prior going to Amanitas, I had taken half a Vicadin coz I had a migrane…and I guess the painkiller and my “lemonade” were at war and the results were my hallucinations ! But Im tellin you, that dude in Amanitas makwapas was real ! at the time ofcourse.

My hair is finally done, I pay Amanita and with my new do, Im out of her joint and welcome the smog humid air that greets me outside. I decide to stop by some Indian joint to reward thyself with some food (remember deviouses hedonistic tendencies on the days before and on her birthday ?) and Im waiting for my food when I hear a familiar voice that makes me stop dead on my tracks ….and who does the voice belong to ? none other than (drum roll and nyatiti please ) Oduori !!!

Why why why ?? I brace myself and turn around and dude now has a metallic blue tooth on his ear, that coincidentally matches his PDA…and is yapping away in a Tyrone/Oduori accent. Then when he sees me he tells te party on the other end he’s going to call them back and approaches me (insert gnashing teeth ) I smile and say hi, but dude insists on hugging even though my body language clearly screams lets just shake hands. On and on he chatters about how busy he’s been and how things have been looking up and all ( good for you dude , now order your food and lets part ways ) so now Panjit chimes in and asks me while addressing or should I say gawking at madams matitis whether its for here to go and before I can answer its to go ….Oduori tells Panjit – “it will be for here and I will be paying for hers and mine as well” and places his order.

All over sudden the hanjams I had for my food have vamoosed and I just want to go to a land far far away where Oduori cannot find me( even pygmy land would be okay ). But alas this is not the case. The man then looks at his coveted PDA and asks me if I changed my number coz he has called me several times ( do we not get the hint Mr-look-at-my-German motokaa-PDA-toting-self?) then he looks at my contact info and he smiles and says…”aaaaah your b/day is tomorrow …I need to get you a present, what do you want ?” aaaaaaaarrrrgh “Nothing Oduo… nothing (insert real name ) you dont have to get me anything, let the meal you paid for be my birthday present” the man shakes his shiny noggin in disagreement ” no no no…you’re my lady friend ( WTF ?? who says lady friend ? ) I will take you to to the mall and you can pick something”

If this were my knight in shining armour, then I might have been up for the idea but this is not the case – I refuse to budge on the issue and he insists he will have to get something for his “lady friend” so we eat our meal whilst carryin on easy conversation, I mean, granted, we do have similar interests.After the meal, I thank him and tell dude we have to part ways as I have stuff to do – the man is relentless, hes now asking me if I have plans for the evening…I tell him yes even though I know very well I shall be at home, propped up on the couch nursing my scalp, my drug and alky induced buzz andwatchin the telly. Im so glad dude does not know where I live coz I wouldnt be suprised if he “dropped by” just because he was in the neighbourhood,

Oduori wears me down to the point where I just agree to hang out with him ( and hopefully his brother hahahahhahahaha I’m not called Devious for nothing ) sometime next week and no sooner did I say yes he flashes his PDA and pencils me in ( again, how freakin lucky I am to be in his PDA ) so now Im officially in his to do list I guess…sigh…this must be karma for all the horid thoughts I had about Amanitas BO….

So this coming week I am seeing Oduori…..

PS
Devious pops another half Vicadin pill and signs off to get some hallucinative hopefully pygmy free sleep….

PPS
The pic posted was on my b/day when I was still a youngin..its not the clearest pic but I will update it by tomorrow and even add some more interesting pix of lil’ ndevias !

I Quit this Bitch ! ( Im jus quoting people)

•Friday September 8, 2006 • 18 Comments


So I was driving to work today and as usual my ADD cannot let me listen to just one station, so I was station surfing when I came across this one station and they were talkin abou thow this radio host from some station in Alabama had jus about had it with her work and co-workers and how she quit in a way that most would like to do but cant or dont for that matter.

Now only in Dubyaville I tell ya..that no sooner did this come out on air..there was a remix to the good riddance and a site thats selling I Quit this Bitch stuff…only in Dubyaville.

So here’s the link guys and tell me if this aint the funniest and most original way of quitting a job U didnt like hahahaha..enjoy !

“I Quit This Bitch!” and on the air no less…(with audio!)
http://www.urbaninsite.com/replay/iquitthisbitch.mp3

She is my hero !!!