So for those who’ve read my posts from day one …well maybe not day one….you might recall I had blogged http://deviousone.wordpress.com/2006/04/11/and/about my pal Truphena, who was devastated when she found porn sites on the boyfies pc and I literally had to give an adult version of the birds, bees and porn ( in this case )

Well, looks likeTruphena heeded my advice and even went a mile further coz now she’s the proud mother of a healthy 2 months baby boy. The child is cute as a button, cries a lot !! and even more so when Truphena answers her cellphone when she’s holding him !! I thought she was joking when she mentioned her observations but I saw it for myself !! looks like she’s raising a self centered brat …..hahaha ok I did’nt mean the last part. Truphenas offspring is a bundle of yada yada crying Joy !

My maternal instincts are on African time seriously ! the need to have a kid is not in me, kids don’t really move me as such, they’re cute to look at, hold for an X amount of time then hand them over to Mommy dearest. Now don’t get me wrong, its not like I hate kids, I’m just not really the goo goo gaa gaa kinda person.

But when Truphenas day to bring the baby into the world via near death experience kind of pain, yours truly was there, donning scrubs and all, screaming “you can do it” and thinking to myself, ” and no way in hell can I”. This experience was more like watching a train wreck – you kinda wanna look but at the same time you know you shouldn’t but morbid curiosity overwrites all logic and you end up absorbing every little detail, amidst blood curdling screams – which explains why the maternity ward is far, beyond and possibly sound proofed from all other wards – I can see patient morale being low from such screams, not to mention them going MIA, drips still dangling from their veins and all .

All I can say is seeing the birthing of Truphenas baby was the best natural damn control dosage I’ve had, esp when the doc was stitching her like her *ahem* was a home science skirt project !! – I could literally feel my fallopian tubes tie themselves into little cute bow tie sperm proof knots ! the second episode of self reinforced happened two weeks ago when she spent the night at my place after having domez with bwana and her so called bundle of joy wouldn’t stop crying the whole night and that morning I literally had (designer ) bags under my eyes !!

So I narrated the story to my mother who told me that child bearing pain is one of a kind and cannot be described….she then proceeds to narrate how when she was preggers with me – I was two weeks late as it is and the doc told her to walk more so that the bay stars teremkain ( who knew the uterus had stairs ) so she was with my old man at some house party and she was dancing to some Fadhili Williams ( she even told me the song ) when her waters broke !! talk about me being the life of the party – literally !

It went from zikis to panics..mathe being wekwad in a Citroen (hydraulics and all ) and being rushed to Matermesiricodia (sp ) then 15 and counting of harrowing pain hours later, yours truly came into the world- my mum tells me at one point she ambiad the doc to give her the knife and do the damn thing herself ( and I quote her, on the last statement ) so when Mother dearest was leaving the hospital, the doc told her congrats and he will see her again next time she comes to zaa…to which my mom quickly retorted ” hapa hautaniona tena” and the woman kept her word to this date !

So after narrating the saga to mathe and having listened to hers as well, she then brought up the topic of it being the time for me to bless her with a grand child – haiya woman ! were not listening ?? my freakin fallopian tubes rendered themselves useless !!

This is a topic my mom and I have been through time and time again to the point where I thinks she lost all hope with me and dropped the ball ( pun not intended ) that is until I mentioned Truphenas birthing storo.

And this is how I killed the doze after she asked me when I plan on blessing her with a brat – “Mum, you have to remember ( pause for effect ) practice makes perfect”

Lets just say the conversation quickly ended when mathe all over sudden heard the proverbial door knock !!! heheheh Im scott free for now !

AOB

this is truly the second coming for real – see Ive even moved house from blogspot to wordpress !!

http://tetezzo.net/link.php?LinkID=afb6473bddbac1b04e4815c6b49c1df8 

While that being a commendable move, the description of the products is what caught my attention, more than the products . The descriptives are on a level of their own, not to mention typos here and there ( whatever happened to spell check ? )

So let me and my crazy guest blogger do a breakdown on the items shall we ?

Electric Burner & Incense
Now how are you supposed to stand astride this ka-mini nyungu so that your entertainment center can smell like morning “due” ( look at the typo ) what if simba kojoad at that very spot a few minutes before, where the morning dew is ? ebu explain to your mzee why theres a scent of mkojo na humo chini – is there money back guarantee on this ?
And what about the clueless kubaff of a man walks in on you and finds you astride in a semi squattin position as the fumes of the incense are being rising towards the ninio ? instant fujo right there !

Scent of a woman
Now we all know in raiaville, if mzee ingias the hao and bibi is in the kitchen, the first thought that will prolly come to his mind is “wee..mama nani, chakula tayari ?”
Apparently this magical “portion”(again typo from none other ) is to be pakwad on hair and thighs….now about the hair part…wont there be some sort of conflict of interest if the nywele smells like hair glo , only to tuangilia juu yake that magical “portion”. Talk about throwing the horny bloodhound of a man off scent!
And supposedly the animal in him will kick in and the fireworks will begin ( note, fireworks apply only to chuti couples and work best during Diwali season )

Libido boosting Dietary supplements
Product speaks for itself, they figured fuck it ! ( pun intended to the max ) this is the Viagra for both men and women…let them deal with the symptoms! which I hear range from serious constipation with sporadic bouts of chronic diarrhoea – but hey look at the bright side, your libido will be in check !!

Bedroom shoes
I’m no fashion expert but when I see those shoes….its hard to picture the woman wearing them would be donning a lesso…if she went to great lengths to buy those shoes…don’t you think something like lingerie would come to mind ? not a bright blue lesso that has a methali saying : Jogoo la shamba haliwiki mjini”
And women…we all know, theres no way we’re going to be on the bed with shoes on…esp not if you’re the one who does laundry….I can see the scenario taking a sour turn when Peninah tells Gideon…”weee wacha nitoe viatu, hakuna vile naosha hii bedcover tena” moment ruined, blue balls for Gideon, hasiras for Peninah !!!!
Perhaps the shoes should come with a coupon for drycleaning the shoe stained bedcovers ? do I smell a merger between White Rose Vip & Tetezzo ??

Vanilla scented candles
Vanila and nyeges ? hard to have those two being synonymous to one another…makes me look at my vanilla scented lotion from a whole new perspective.
Kesho as I paka myself Vanilla lotion I wonder if I will have the same thoughts the tetezzo peeps said would happen – utamtia nyege! doubt it but worth a try anyway !!

Room Spray
Vanilla is a natural aphrodisiac ?? wacha I shut up on this one.

Vanilla scented oil
How do you perfume a bedroom ? and how do you burn the oil…isn’t that like a fire hazard in itself ? no instructions on how to burn it….nothing…thats upon you and whatever devices …or maybe U can soak the mosquito coil in it and then burn the mosquito coil….not only will it “perfume” your bedroom, but it will be a quick merciless death for the annoying blood sucking buggers !

Aloe First spray
After making love you’re constantly bruised and cut ? are U having sex with a hybrid of Mike Tyson and Wembe Wa Nacet ? it seals cuts immediately and hastens recovery for round two ?? does the spray also have a numbing effect too ? is that what the ‘selected herbs’ do ? if I or any other woman would have bruises, cuts and abrasions ‘down under’……trust you me fellas, round two is totally out of the picture…and possibly even future round ones for that matter.
Itchiness down there ? shouldn’t that be something a doctor should be looking into and not Aloe First ??

Aloe liquid soap
A breakthrough in soap science ( thank EGM for this ) the soap does not butcher the good bacteria – this is a soap with a conscience.
The million dollar question, is it for “down under” after being cut and bruised or ……

Artificial rose petals
Is it me or do I see a mboch being fired coz after a night of bruised lovemaking….maid ingiad the bedroom to clean up the morning after and she fagiad the 400 bob artificial rose petals that were strewn on the linoleum floor ?

Aloe Vera Deodorant Stick
The solution for Aco’s roomie who had some serious BO issues !

Herbal Tooth Gel
First of all, is theres foul breath, definitely no kissing going down ! Miraculously, this freshening gum also sooths and heals cuts and abrasions from a night of mapenzi moto moto – kwani what went down ? someone gave head to a roll of barbed wire ? is that a new fad now ? maybe I’m in the dark, some one please enlighten me.

Much as I have butchered the woman’s ideas, I do commend her admirably for taking such a bold step into doing this, the only thing I can say is that they need to re-strategize the wording on their descriptions… but other than that, A BIG KUDOS TO GERTRUDE MUNGAI !

We shall call it the second coming !

So with that in mind….im all ears, and jus for added effect there might be a guest blogger…apparently we have one in our midst who uses his ‘webbing’ power to teletranspot his self from one post to the other !! tsk tsk you know who U are !

Tis the season for me to take my well earned vacation…and out of town Im heading and with that in mind, y’all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

I posed to take a pic with Santa but no sooner had I sat on his lap he turned me around and told me Ive been a bad gal…and before I could say anything..Thiongo the photographer clicked away and behold… I guess no gifts for me ..sniff sniff

Enjoy yourselves and be safe people !

I resurface…ask no questions as to where I was…

Per our past conversation people, I brought it to your attention that I had been somewhat cornered by the relentless German car driving man who hails from the land where the great Omweri was last spotted…MOVING ON

Oduori decided to make sure that I kept my end of the bargain and he had to take his “lady friend”, namely me to an eatery of my choice (sigh)… Dude decided to use his PDA to its maximum capability…I first got a text from him on a Friday night. I replied. Then he calls me the next morning, which happened to be a weekend – at freaking 9:00 AM ( was a memo not passed to you Mr O..?? hmmmm…because Queen Bee does not rise at such ungodly hours on the weekend !! ). I ignored his call, last time I checked in my scales of freakin priorities on the weekend…sleep comes before convo with Oduori. My subject will have to wait until I wake up from my slumber.

Two hours later I’m awake, have had breakfast and am somewhat ready to face the day..when the phone rings. It’s usually on vibrate but at times I will change it to alert mode, where it actually tells me who’s callin and since the simu was programmed to pronounce only jungu names…it dices Mr O’s name saying “call from Odarai..call from Odarai“. It was amusing, other than the fact that I had to face the man phone to phone so to speak… So I answer and dude sounds like he’s on his tenth cup of kahawa chungu ( the kind those long distance derevas from back home drink to keep themselves awake). We agree on a time and venue and I get him off the phone hurriedly with some flimsy excuse of me having to water my plants ( wtf devious? do you even have plants in the house ? ). He offers to come pick me up ..heheheheh Oduori, I’m ten steps ahead of you…no way you’re comin to my castle. Besides, I already just told him an effed up lie about havin to water plants so if he comes over he will wonder where the plants are ( yeah he’s observant like that ).

So we meet at the venue and he’s already there and OMG …why is dude donning them killa shoes again?!? And when I say killa, I mean killa for real coz them shoes slay my soul everytime I see them on his feet. And I happen to be near him. I could care less if he wore the shoes while trekkin some Bolivian jungle, but next to me ?? That’s another story ! For those who need a refresher on how they look…they resembled something like this. I really didnt make eye contact with them shoes lest I turned into a pillar of salt or something along those lines ( I would later learn my lesson of the consequencies of using a Biblical reference to diss Mr O ).

We ingia the restarurant and proceed to order food…jus like the first time me and Oduori went to eat, he plays a staring game at the menu and Kumesh is not too amused by his indecisiveness but finally he orders something… Hoorraayyy!! It’s about damn time ! Shortly after, the food is brought, which I kula, enjoying every morsel. All the while, my counterpart nitpicks on his food. Oh well to each his own. I came, I ate, I conquered ! We hang out for a while and I find out I can only take small doses of Oduori at at time, coz he then started getting waaay to comfy and it was time to put a stop to the tasselled shoe wearing man madness.

Now dont get me wrong, I did appreciate the meal Oduori bought for his lady friend… and thank him I did. Suprisingly I do have manners tihihihihih. We both parted ways and I fika home and even before my tanyes gets to meet the couch, my phone screams “call from Odarai”…Yes Odu…I mean hey whassup…yeah thx for dinner again…tomorrow ? Can I get back to you on that ? I’m uummmm teachin some Guatemalan kids english ( devious ??? What is wrong with you ? ) I know I’m going to hell. I’ve already started practicing how eternal fire and brimstone feel like by takin hot scalding showers !

I stayed awake for a long time watching movies and then my tumbo started feeling funny ( see Indian food ) , I took some tumbo medicine but I just ignored it and continued watching flicks until around 4 am and I was still chonjo like a wachie…So I take half a sleeping pill coz I was sooo alert it wasnt even funny ( maybe at that point I shoulda applied for a watchie job ). So I go to bed and soon the dawa starts kicking in….and off to sleep I go…

IT DOESNT END THERE….

And this is where the karma part kicks in for me laughin at Oduori about his shoes and making a biblical reference as to avoiding direct eye contact with his shoes..

Devious Life’s Lesson number One….

Do not take laxatives and sleeping pills………………..at the same time

Well people..today is my birthday ! so if anyone has a drink in hand at this weird hour ( looks at Udi… ) please do make a toast and EGM, you can raise your test tube as well, just dont down the pottasium sulphate – the results are deadly !! and we all know that reception in underground labs is virtually non existent that even the Verizon dude wont say “can you hear me now” coz he just knows there will be no one on the other end to tell him “dio ninakuskia!” so theres no chance of your 911 call going through.

I’ve gotten to the point where my birthday is just another day as opposed to my younger years when I’ start reminding Mother Dearest a month prior, that her only daughters birthday was coming up ( like the poor woman had a battalion of kids not to remember ) and I would tell her what I wanted ( bila shame by the way ) and even tell her what kind of cake I wanted ( again…shamelessly ) I dont know how the woman didnt turn around and just stuff one of my school socks in my mouth and then proceed to beat the shyt out of me for wearing her patience thin ( why the sock in my mouth you ask ? to stifle the blood curdling screams ofcourse )
Well, anyway, point is I no longer celebrate my birthdays, but I do thank Sir God for granting me another year. So the celebrations have now been replaced with acts of self indulgence which almost borderline hedonism ( you only live once people !!! )

So on Friday evenign I went to get my hair done and I go to the salon, this time I decided not to go to Jonet my Nigerian sisto but some other Senegalese mama my friend recommended. I call the mama a couple of days before to set up an appointment and she tells me the price and then she asks( insert semi naija accent ) ” where are you from ?” I told her Kenya..and she said ” ok, I give you ten dollars off” . I thank her and hang up the phone.

Fast forward to D-Day and I go to the mamas salon and Im soon greeted by some funkious odor that started from the stairway andall the way to her salon…only Sir God knows what the exact funk was…even Glade or Yolanda couldnt have taken care of the smell but I braced myself and walked in ( flag numero uno).I had called the mama whom we shall call Aminata, who told me to go to her shop at 4 pm. I fika there, why is she still working on Shakwandas hair ?? (flag numero deux ) my mvaite blood starts to simmer lakini I breathe in deeply and say wusaaa on the inside. She then tells me not to worry shes almost done and gives me magazines to kill time, time that I coulda been doing something else somewhere but now Im stuck in these hot salon that is full of putrid fumes and if borderline hypochondriac me had known this is what lay in store for me I would have brought my charcoal filtered gas mask ( a present from EGM ).

Its like I knew what lay ahead of me for I had carried some lemonade in my water bottle, but this was not just any other ordinary lemonade…It was spiked with some good ole Russian Vodka and when I say some, it may sound like it was a shot or two but it was more than that. Theconcotion was for calming my nerves as I get my hair yanked in all sorts of directions that a compass wouldnt even decipher – thats my story and Im sticking to it – I swear, this has nothing to do with the fact that my hands shake if I lapse several hours before taking a swig of my “lemonade” hehehehehehehe.

So now its my turn to get my hair done.Amanita grabs a comb and you know my eyes dart to the comb faster than the speed of light to make sure its not a wooden comb like the tortourous one my friend Jonet likes using. No wooden comb in sight..all is well, for now….
All was well too soon because the woman opened up her makwapas – lo and behold ! Officer Johnson this is an open shut case ! this must be the source of the putrid fumes !! Auuuuuuuu mpaka I started thinkin that Amanita must have been in the same summit as Bush & Hugo Chavez, and she must have marked her scent before Chavez fikad podium and Chavez not knowing this, spewed the following diatribe : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoCmmm2UG0&mode=related&search=

Yani is there a pact that was passed early in the years of OAU that West Africans should not use deodorant ? coz even Jonet is pretty much like our recent de-KBW’ed member Aco’s roomate !! WTF ?? there needs to be a major campaign for those peeps to indulge in some deo..esp once they panda SabenaAirways heading to Dubyaville ! news flash Amanita and the rest, deo is not expensive !!! for crying out loud you charge me $120 for doing my hair but you will not dish out $ 3.99 for deo ?? I fail to understand…I really do.

Then to make matters worse, I look at the source of the funk, her makwapas and not only is deo foreign to the woman, so is shaving ….her masharubus, yes people, masharubus, coz them hairs stopped being armpit hair like a decade ago and now resemble a backfired curly kit thats been smothered with enough hair sheen – the sheen ofcourse being beads or should we say marbles of sweat which look like they just might defy gravity, landing suqare on my jeans. I hastily gulp my beverage greedily so as to numb myself from what Im seeing and stop focussing on her armpits.

So an hour or so passes and I can start feeling the effects of my lemonade, when I decide to look ( why why why ? ) at her armpits again and factors like the heat, pits fumes, mixed in with hints of couscous and smoked fish make me semi hallucinate and all over sudden I see a bark clothed Ituri forest pygmy staring at me dead in the eye ! WTF ?? I look away to refocus my eyes then look again..and the pygmy is still staring at me !! what the…so I i try to concentrate on the movie Amanita had put on . Then I hear ppsssssssst…..( I ignore ) more pssssssst comes from her pits…zii theres no way Im looking – but I do anyway and now the pygmy is talkin to me in some language I cant understand ! and to make matters worse..Im trying to decipher what its telling me !!

What the heck is going on ? I look around to see if anyone else is seeing and hearing the pygmy but everyone in the room seems oblivious to the situation. What to do devious ? what to do ? so I close my eyes and forcefully take a nap while my hair is being yanked all over the place and I say the Lords prayer lakini I dont get to finish it coz I soon fall asleep ( shetani ashindwe!! ) . The nap was nice except for the times when Amanita decided my head needed to be facing Northwest at a 47 degrees( no typo here….I know I said 47 and EGM please put your protactor down before you start tryin to see if such an angle exists ).

So after a while I wake up and for reasons I dont know, I look at her makwapas again and this time I dont see the pygmy…Glory be to heaven I say ! so Im trying to figure out what in the world came over me to have thought that I saw a bark clothed pygmy in someone elses armpits, and then I remembered that about an hour prior going to Amanitas, I had taken half a Vicadin coz I had a migrane…and I guess the painkiller and my “lemonade” were at war and the results were my hallucinations ! But Im tellin you, that dude in Amanitas makwapas was real ! at the time ofcourse.

My hair is finally done, I pay Amanita and with my new do, Im out of her joint and welcome the smog humid air that greets me outside. I decide to stop by some Indian joint to reward thyself with some food (remember deviouses hedonistic tendencies on the days before and on her birthday ?) and Im waiting for my food when I hear a familiar voice that makes me stop dead on my tracks ….and who does the voice belong to ? none other than (drum roll and nyatiti please ) Oduori !!!

Why why why ?? I brace myself and turn around and dude now has a metallic blue tooth on his ear, that coincidentally matches his PDA…and is yapping away in a Tyrone/Oduori accent. Then when he sees me he tells te party on the other end he’s going to call them back and approaches me (insert gnashing teeth ) I smile and say hi, but dude insists on hugging even though my body language clearly screams lets just shake hands. On and on he chatters about how busy he’s been and how things have been looking up and all ( good for you dude , now order your food and lets part ways ) so now Panjit chimes in and asks me while addressing or should I say gawking at madams matitis whether its for here to go and before I can answer its to go ….Oduori tells Panjit – “it will be for here and I will be paying for hers and mine as well” and places his order.

All over sudden the hanjams I had for my food have vamoosed and I just want to go to a land far far away where Oduori cannot find me( even pygmy land would be okay ). But alas this is not the case. The man then looks at his coveted PDA and asks me if I changed my number coz he has called me several times ( do we not get the hint Mr-look-at-my-German motokaa-PDA-toting-self?) then he looks at my contact info and he smiles and says…”aaaaah your b/day is tomorrow …I need to get you a present, what do you want ?” aaaaaaaarrrrgh “Nothing Oduo… nothing (insert real name ) you dont have to get me anything, let the meal you paid for be my birthday present” the man shakes his shiny noggin in disagreement ” no no no…you’re my lady friend ( WTF ?? who says lady friend ? ) I will take you to to the mall and you can pick something”

If this were my knight in shining armour, then I might have been up for the idea but this is not the case – I refuse to budge on the issue and he insists he will have to get something for his “lady friend” so we eat our meal whilst carryin on easy conversation, I mean, granted, we do have similar interests.After the meal, I thank him and tell dude we have to part ways as I have stuff to do – the man is relentless, hes now asking me if I have plans for the evening…I tell him yes even though I know very well I shall be at home, propped up on the couch nursing my scalp, my drug and alky induced buzz andwatchin the telly. Im so glad dude does not know where I live coz I wouldnt be suprised if he “dropped by” just because he was in the neighbourhood,

Oduori wears me down to the point where I just agree to hang out with him ( and hopefully his brother hahahahhahahaha I’m not called Devious for nothing ) sometime next week and no sooner did I say yes he flashes his PDA and pencils me in ( again, how freakin lucky I am to be in his PDA ) so now Im officially in his to do list I guess…sigh…this must be karma for all the horid thoughts I had about Amanitas BO….

So this coming week I am seeing Oduori…..

PS
Devious pops another half Vicadin pill and signs off to get some hallucinative hopefully pygmy free sleep….

PPS
The pic posted was on my b/day when I was still a youngin..its not the clearest pic but I will update it by tomorrow and even add some more interesting pix of lil’ ndevias !

Now only in Dubyaville I tell ya..that no sooner did this come out on air..there was a remix to the good riddance and a site thats selling I Quit this Bitch stuff…only in Dubyaville.

So here’s the link guys and tell me if this aint the funniest and most original way of quitting a job U didnt like hahahaha..enjoy !

“I Quit This Bitch!” and on the air no less…(with audio!)
http://www.urbaninsite.com/replay/iquitthisbitch.mp3

She is my hero !!!

So I came up with a list of six factoids on devious ( see how I’ve referred myself as a third person..means I’m de-placating myself from the situation consciously , as in should You find the six facts about me disturbing or boring for that matter…I shall blame it on my alter ego )
The list was created in my usual morning mkutano which I find to be booooring and my machos are usually on half mast the entire time and I’ve perfected on feigning my participation in the meeting by nodding my noggin up and down in approval or disapproval and scribbling ghost notes which I like to call mathogothanios maximus !!!
God forbid the day they ask me to share my notes with them coz I will jus humbly slide out of my chair, pack my viragos in a box ( office stapler included ) and with my head up high, walk out of the office and yell to the confused lot of co- workers – I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE !!!!

Chances are I will call later in the afternoon and apologize to Massuh aka boss and tell him I was low on cash and could not afford to refill my prescription of anti-depressants and borderline schizophrenic epileptic episodes medicine ( no such combi condition exists but hey what do I have to lose ) …..and that excuse right there will ensure my return to work after a day or two coz the boss wouldn’t want to fire me due to an existing medical condition due to a little thing called unfair practices ( ACLU please step in any time ) – bloggers, and that’s why I LOVE DUBYAVILLE !

*drumroll here it comes*

1 > As a child I had weird disturbing tabias and where they stemmed from only the good Lord knows..these were -
- As soon as someone shook my hand I would smell my hand…right in there face !! bila aibus, much to my mums horror and the poor woman couldn’t get me to stop it regardless of the acts of violence she threatened to do unto me…the same disturbing tabia happened whenever we had guests and no sooner did they leave the hao and my mum would go to escort them, I would go smell the seats, this one my mum didn’t know for a minute until one day when she caught me with my nose sniffing for who knows what in the warm cushion that still had the mgenis matako imprint on it still and my mum didn’t even know where to start…she went and poured herself a cup of tea I guess while trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and what punishment seemed appropriate for that kind of behaviour…and the woman knew how to get back at me coz she was like no watching the telly – WHAT ?? mummy here’s the belt, jus chapa the crap out of me and let’s get it over with but the TV ?? I still didn’t learn my lesson regardless but somehow this hand/ass smelling fetish phased out by itself.

- I also drank my mum’s Ladygay lotion ( ok peeps the pink shit was sweet and I had a notorious sweet tooth and mapengos to prove it as well ! )
to the point mathe had to hide her lotion at all times…this habit crossed over to my eating copious amounts of Vaseline, Kimbo and Blueband too and jus in case you’re wondering..NO diarrhea episode ever stemmed from this habit ..and it too phased out

2 > I go all hypochondriac when I use public restrooms – I probably need to see a doctor for this coz I don’t like anything of mine touching the walls the floor or anything ! its so bad that I vuruta my pants to my knees so that the hem doesn’t touch the floor and one time my friend saw this and she was like what the heck is going on in there and I told her how I cant stand my pants touching the floor and she thought I had lost it ! that said…I also do the infamous tanye tilt coz these Godiva cheeks of mine are not touching the toilet seat either…flushing involves a pose that resembles Jackie Chan posing with one leg in the air ready to kick the crap out of Woo Fung..only this time my kick goes to the flushing thingamajig and opening the door involves me using some tissue and I then wash my hands with enough soap….and it is with the same tissue I use to hold the lever to yank napkins form the napkins dispenser…once I wipe my hands..I use the napkin to close the faucet and also open the door with it and the once useful napkin is quickly disposed in a trash can. People, I have it down to a science !!
The same procedure applies to some peoples haos if they seem suspect of not being at one with cleanliness and I must confess that I have a habit of looking in peeps showers when I’m in the bathroom so as to sorta gauge the cleanliness factor…if I see a brown tub that once was white with mold around the caulking…TANYE TILT all the way it is !!

3 > In retrospect to my bathroom habits, I have a crossword puzzle book and a dictionary in my bathroom and whether Im there for a number one or two … I must do a puzzle and at times I get so engrossed in it I will continue doing it even when I’m done doing the deed, I jus sit there and pen away. its a fascination I have for words, I also have another crossword and dictionary in my bedroom. Scrabble is also another fave past time of mine though it infuriates me when I play with someone and they put words like * was, here, but, and *

4 > Patience is a virtue I truly lack and I dread when I get to have kids coz that means I have to actually work on my flaw which is also tied directly to my flaming ADD ..for example, I can watch three shows simultaneously almost..as soon as one show goes into commercial break I switch to the other one, this drives my victim or as you earthlings call them, the dude I’m kinda seeing, up the wall ( insert evil laugh ) …I’m sooo bila time for commercials and I’m a remote hog too…like I move around the hao with it if he comes over so that he doesn’t change the channel !!! I’m a true tyrant when it comes to the remote control, I become a tyrant despotic hostess with similar traits like Idi Amin ama Stalin.

5 > I seldom divulge the fact that I’m an only child because as soon as I do that people automatically assume I’m spoiled, which I’m not ( surprise surprise ) Mother dearest made sure I never got away with anything and it was kinda hard to coz there was only one toi in the hao so if things go awry..there’s no Sherlock Holmes or Inspekta Sikujua being brought to solve the mystery of why the sugar is AWOL or why the TV was warm when I was supposed to be doing homework !! my mum has chapad me twice in her lifetime and those beatings were truly justified and still fresh in my mind aaaaand flesh …and the first one happened when I was in Std 2 when I followed this kid to their hao after school ( I hid from Riziki the mboch who had come to pick me up ) so I went to my friend hao and stayed there and lied to her parents that my mum knew where I was…I remember it rained heavily on that day and my mum was in a panic coz she thought the worst had happened and she called the cops but they were like until 24 hrs pita we cant put an APB on your kid… do you know I fikad home like almost 10pm strolling casually like the kababa of the mtaa who ingias home with a gazetti under his makwapa and half kilo of nyaki in hand…the woman’s relief soon turned into like Incredible Hulks anger ..yani I saw veins that I never knew existed and her machos narrowed into angry slits and then she proceeded to vamia with everything in sight from my books to the vitambaas in the living room, her patipatis..the mboches patipatis.. she was VERY close to taruaing her chiffon blouse and yelling like in wrestling a RAW IS WAR !

The Second Coming aka Operation Destroy Devious was from me stealing money from her purse and this was done when she was taking a shower… and it started with a penny coz back in the day a penny could buy you a candy or two…and I grew bolder by taking 5 cts, 10 cts, 50 cts…then behold I moved into the ranks of one shilling and so forth…need I point out I was the most popular kid in class coz I used to go to the kiosk and buy my classmates sweets…so one day I was bold enough to steal ten bob and mathe noticed her chums was missing so she asked the mboch ( poor Riziki ) and ofcourse she denied any partaking of the crime…my mum didn’t even think her cherub would be the one doing it so she didn’t even ask me ( insert evil laughter and snort ) Riziki was told if more money went missing she would be fired ( more evil laughter ) .

Figuring I had gotten away with it, with boldness matching akina Wanugu or John Kiriamiti…I hepeshad 20 bob !! that was in the early 80′s so you know that was mob chums then. So we’re having breakfast and my mum decided to put a handkerchief in my pocket when she felt something and she pulled out a crisp 20 bob note ( insert vein popping, eyes narrowing into evil slits…claws sharpening themselves ..the whole nine yards ) from my pocket – my mum was sooo angry that she even gave me time to finish my breakfast and she told me to go to her room when done – all over sudden the Elliott bread with enough blueband and bournvita didn’t seem too appetizing coz I jus saw RAW IS WAR and my so called life flash before my eyes. lets not forget Rizikis murderous stare coz had I not been caught she would have been in the next Wepesi Express bus heading home.

So I ate my breako, begrudgingly and took myself to the Lions den …my mum told me to lock the bedroom and give her the key – can we say D.E.A.D !!!…she asked me how long I’d been stealin money from her and me being the danda that I am, denied any wrong doing – and that my friends is what broke the camels back coz no sooner did I say that….the woman brandished a ka narrow red leather belt and told me to panda her bed….she then chapad my thighs and tanyes with the buckle end of it YES THE BUCKLE and she was not being gentle..any trace of her ever pushing me out of the womb were not evident ! even akina Kunta Kinte did not have it as bad as I did .

This went on for a looong minute and when her wrath had sorta kwishad or maybe it was when my eyes rolled back into there sockets as I lay limp and lifeless, I swear I saw a vulture hovering right outside the window…….will never know which, did she stop and with utmost calm…she picked up the phone and called my headmaster and explained I was going to be getting to school late coz Id been stealing money from her and she had to do what any other parent ( or as a Massuh would do to a run away slave caught ) would have done and I could hear Mr. Gachungwa agreeing as well. Then to add salt to injury I was not even dropped to school…foot patrol it was and the pissed off Riziki was to take me there…woman, mother have mercy upon me..you jus chapad my legs and now they’re plump and tender and now I have to walk ?? it gets worse people….

Turns out Mr. Gashungwa went ahead and told my evil class teacher Mrs. Maina…the woman was the devils incarnate for real…she was a mean spirited woman who asserted her authority on kids like her life depended on it ! I digress…..
Anyway,when I entered the class she made me stand infront of everyone and decided to denounce me to the class ( earth please swallow devious jr …pleeeaaase ) then to finish the humiliation perfectly she went to the cupboard and took out her “special” torture stick which was a kijiti stuffed in black pvc piping….when does the madness end ?? I will say that this taught me a very good lesson I never went near my mums purse and even if she told me she’d brought me candy or if she needed anything from her purse…I wouldn’t touch it.,…I would bring the purse to her and let her take out whatever it was – either goody goody or money for buying milk. There was no way devious’es hands were rummaging through her purse without her presence !!

6 > I’m a very open minded person and don’t limit myself to who I would date per se based on race or what not though I’m currently on a hiatus from dating peeps from here coz majority of them don’t know anything about Kenya and quite frankly I just got tired of being an unpaid uncommisioned cultural ambassador with questions like what language do you speak, how many tribes, what’s the capital etc etc ( remember the patience flaw I previously mentioned ?? ) GOOGLE the word Kenya, have a freaking field day and leave me the fuck alone !!! luckily my current victim is knowledgeable of my country even though he’s not a raia but he did tap on my last nerve some weeks ago when he was asking me questions when I was watching Court TV and hell hath no fury like devious robbed of her time watching forensic files – so I snapped and gave him a book about Kenya and told him ” here, read this I’m watching my show” and with out missing a beat continued watching my show while he was looking at me like what the heck …..but the mvaite in me was having none of it ! Read on dude…read on !!

( I will cheat and add one more factoid )

7 > I do not PMS ……with this divulged, I usually have a friendly disposition 30 / 31 days a month . But when I’m hungry, I’m like a raging African water buffalo…until I get to some food please do not cross my path. Hunger is a biach and I can be one too when my stomach is on empty !!!

So there peeps ya have it !

And with that…I tag Msanii, Nakeel, Kelitu, Archer & Udi !!

I got my hair braided sometime back in March and by now the braids which were once picturesque, with a sheen and all were barely holding on to my hair and some of them had stopped fighting the let’s-cling-on-to-devious’s-hair so the braids at times would jus anguka bila aibus so it fikad a point like the last three weeks I made sure my hair was in a mosodo coz it’s one thing if they braids fall shamelessly in my digimo…it’s a total differient scenario when that happens at work.
Guys, Im not even exaggerating, it had fikad a point where I’d practiced a couple of excuses ( and sad ones for that matter ) jus in case a megan or heather saw a stray braid on the floor and since we don’t have a big population of mirus in the office ( 4 including me and one’s a guy so that totally rules him out…the rest have perms) so all fingers , mine included will be pointed at none other than devious !!

Now the mama who does my hair is a Naija and I think I happen to have an affinity with akina Okonkwo and such coz even my mechanic is a Naija who bila aibus hits on me even when he’s under the hood of my moti and all I can see of him is part of his greasy overalls and some Northstar looking shoes which are drenched in grease as well ! But what to do…Okonkwo yes I will be your wife …but first you must fix my car so I can go to my parents and tell them what a diamond in the rough ( and literally rough ) I’ve found, ok ?? to which he says “na prablam madam”

I digress….

So I call the mama who does my hair and I’ll jus give you a snippet of the convo:

Devious: hey Janet ( not real name coz my scalp is under her mercy

Janet: halla,who is dis

Devious: It’s me ( insert real name

Janet: Oooooooohh mai sisto, awa you ( how are you)

Devious: I’m fine, hey liston..eeerr I mean listen, I need to get my hair done ASAP

Janet: Ok ok ok, my sisto I can only do yo hea on Sonday oftonoon, is dat ok ?

Devious: Sunday afternoon it is den..eer then ( dammit stop imitating the woman )

With that in mind..I figured there would be no plot for the wekeend, my energies shall be geared towards bomoaing the hea eerr hair. I see peeps undoing their braids from where they were shukwad and to me that sjus a dam waste of time, half the labour by chopping them synthetic/humain hair depending on your budget preferences to where your real hair is and start from there – and I say this coz I’ve seen a couple of chicas do that..bila time…moving on…..so it doesnt really take much time for me to undo my hair, wash it, then condition it and if my hair thought it had a chance of freedom by seeing some sunshine, it was sadly mistaken because I wrapped it under a kilemba coz errands had to be run and my hair is at an awkward length where even in its natural state it doesnt look cute and its at this point I say fuck afrocentricity !

Come D-day, I go over to Janets house and I see there are drastic changes or maybe improvements to the house decor…last time I was here Janet had a small TV, dont get me wrong,there’s nothing wrong with a small tv..but now, there was a bigger one right next to it, with its own stand and the whole nine yards and might I add a very conspicuous christmas tree, lights and all on the left…next to the TV’s.

Woman, did Martha Stewart redo your hao when she was on a crack binge or in remission of some hallucogenic drug ? nini hii ?? forget the two TV’s lined together, whats with the towering christmas tree ? its ( I look at the date and month to reconfirm on my PDA tsk tsk ) June !! this glorious festive holiday passed long time ago even the Chinese with their confusing calender already had theirs…I feel an aneurysm coming and I have to stop myself. Get your hair done..be expressionless for a day or three coz of how the scalp has tightened thanks to janets fingers even though she swears by saying ” Jonet don pull hea “which scares me at times coz why is she referring to herself as the third person ??

The woman is good at braiding I must admit, besides, Iget a mini face lift for the price of a hair do so I can complain on that department, the only beef I have with her is she puts Naija movies and music videos the entire time she’s doing your hair. She is considerate coz she will show you the Naija movies that have english sub-titles. When I got there I found this akata mama who was getting her hair done and she looked bored out of hermind coz when I waled in as you know who would have it was watching a Naija flick and atleast me being a kenyan I can somehow understand the humor thanks to fgrowing up watching shows like Vioja Mahakamani, Tushauriane.. now Lakresia over here is befuddled by all of these but oh well ..ambience was not part of the deal !

Then the ordeal begins and the mama is old school mpaka she uses a wooden comb and it looks like the love of her life Okonkwo carved it “jos fo jonet” and I had to tell Jonet..yes Jonet to use my kichana coz quite honestly the wooden comb is a torture device and sado masochism is not my cuppa ! I can jus feel her hot pepe ( pepper) soup breath on my neck and I can imagine by now her nostrils are flaring like an enraged African water buffalo sorry toots, theres no way I’m having the wooden comb ploughing through my scalp..no way !

She stars braiding my hair and she remembers she mos enteratin her costomer ( no typos ) and she puts the first movie ( dvd kwanza ! ) and its funny how they format the movies coz the movie started and then in the middle of nowhere, commercials and music videos started showing and let me not even mention the poor sound quality ( you can almost hear the woman of the mtaa seliing yams outside the studio ) The moment when I almost thinking I’ve seen it all…these guy in a loud voice screams G STRING CARNIVAA !!! ( but the screen spells out carnival but when in Rome…..) EXOTIC UMEN ( women ) and then they show these mamas doing a Naija booty shake and they’re in bikini bottoms with enough stretch marks to male Plamers cocoa butter manufacturers not only cringe but give them a life time supply of the stuff ! but they dont show the faces of the women coz Im guessing they would bring shame to the family and village perhaps ??

Janet being the decent woman she is grabs the remote controls and she says ( and I quote ) ” dis is nonsense” and with that, the woman pressed her pudgy plausible thumb on the fast forward button and it even looked funnier seeing Naija chicks gyrating their matakos on fast forward ( x4 ) which I would asusme is the fastsest it could allow Jonet to do and you should have seen the womans face..sheer disgust ( she must be a Truphena as well where missionary position it is with her husband ) so I was laughing at what I was seeing on the tely and Jonets expression ( which looked like she had dug her teeth into some raw fufu ) and she was so not amused by thios and she was like “why you loffing. dis not funny, dis is nonsense, dats devuls work “.Devul ? I ask….

I jus wanted her to confirm what I said plus hear her say it again and she says, “yes the devulhe make dem gols dance like dat..like bad uman” uman ?? I know peeps from Central esp. butcher the language..but this woman was mass murdering the Queens language. Off with her head the queen would have said if Jonet had been in Brito back in the days when the guillotines were the preferred choice of execution.

So the events of the day repeated themselves…my hair and scalp were being pulled in all angles and I was subjected to watching movie after movie after movie and at one point when I couldn’t take it no more I suggested to the mama we watch the news or something other than the damn dvds and she got kidogo defensive, shook her head and was like ” ee ee you don’t like de movies ?” That’s besides the point woman, it’s been 5 hours and then some and alI I’ve stared at besides the Christmas tree that wouldn’t even fit on Santa Clauses reindeer is the screen with all these movies and quite frankly cultural as I am, I just can’t take any more of this ( second episode of aneurysm about to happen )Jonet does not budge and we continue with now what I’m calling the “Nigerian video torture”…..the Chinese’s water torture has been an unproven success and people I’m here to tell you so does the Naija one !

I’d carried a book but it was kinda hard to read it with all the noise in the background from the telly and one more thing about the movies I saw..whoever was in charge of the subtitles did a poor job because at one point the sub-titles were sporadic because the characters would have a three minute convo bila sub titles and that would throw me off then I’m guessing at this point Obasanja the guy in charge would wake up or some from selling roasted yams outside and type in the sub-titles…far fetched as it may sound, it wouldn’t surprise me.

A friend of mine called me and that was a good distraction from all the melee that was going on and so we’re vybing on the simu and I noticed now my nywele was being vurutwad even more and the hot pepe breath could be felt in the back of my neck…now what did I do Jonet ?I vumilia and continue with the convo and I guess when Jonet couldn’t take any more of my cell yapping she told me” you have to get off da phone” and me being the kichwa ngumu I had to ask why ( ouch woman that’s my scalp not a freaking basket you happen to be weaving !) and she said ( again I quote ) “when you talk your head bobos” ? WHAT ? “your head bobos mai sisto”now I think I’m pretty good at deciphering and un encrypting shrubs and the likes but this word “bobo” threw me off kabisa I have the deer in headlights look…and she then yanks my hair like they were reins on a horse and directed my macho to a bubble head figurine of Micheal Vick on top of the TV.” Dat bobo head toy bobos its head jos like you ! mai sisto, I’m trying to braid your hea fost so you can leave oly”I’ve never laughed so hard…bobo is bubble head..Jonet, mai sisto, the award for Language Butcherer goes to you – undisputedly !

Despite my request to watch something else ( whatever happened to the phrase – the customer is always right ? ) and then she instantly became the cell phone nazi in 5 nano seconds, I took it like a hard heart soldier and prayed that the woman would finish my hair soon before my brain imploded.Well, all good and bad things do come to an end and eight and a half hours later my hair was done, no braids were clinging on to the last split end of my hair or follicle from the root …( mwedi uthaka dacayaga) …and now there’s a disgruntled horse walking around somewhere bila its beautiful tail so as to accommodate the lifestyles of people like me but what the heck, isn’t that one of the reasons we’re on top of the food chain ? and its with the same reasoning I eat meat ( my vegetarian friend…you know who you are..as you read this…you now know my reason for my unpledging and undying love for meat.

Now wacha I go to the store and buy me a helmet even though I do not own nor ride a motorcycle but with this flowing hair of mine..I must do a Demi Moore or Lucy Liu in Charlie’s Angels when they get off the bike, remove their helmet and sashay their hair and you know there had to be a perfect breeze for the nywele to be pepeteshwad…..I know I will look odd wearing a helmet while driving my moti but who is to deny me my glorifying moment ?? I dare even the boys in blue to do so.

What God and Janet have done to my hair, no man can come between it !

PS

Oduori no more…….for now